Brain Dump #1

The first week of August mentally kicked my butt. I am sure it is a lot of build up because it was a rather good week. I want to add this section of my blog because writing helps me understand. I will try to update every Monday.

First I would like to say that this week everything caught up to me. None of the things that really took me over happened this week. I am a very fake it till you make it. I always feel like I’m the funny one in my family and friend settings. I never want to show people I am upset but this week I spoke to someone about it and I instantly felt lighter.

I want to track my progress in my mentality and this is my way.

I am a social person and lately my personal interactions have been very minimal. This took a huge toll on me. Mentally. I have always had jobs where I had very direct contact with people. I work in patient care. I have worked as a receptionist in a very busy area and this job was so mentally stimulating for me. It was not an easy job but I loved it. Everyday I came to work to co-workers and a very busy office. I was the main receptionist so everything went through me and I had very high responsibilities. I thrive in environments like this. Next I had a job where I worked in a retirement home. I was responsible for many patients at a time and got along really well with my coworkers. This past year I got into home health. At first it sounded very good (and it is don’t get me wrong just not for me). I would only be responsible for one patient and had no co-workers except for end of shift. Lately this has gotten so bad for me. I work 10 AM to 10 PM. I have very little social interactions at work and I feel this has been what has taken the main toll on me.

This job. Pays well and I pick my days I work. But the lack of interaction is literally taking such a big toll on me. I don’t really hang out with any of my friends. I have an amazing boyfriend and sister but they also work and I see them very little. While I have been here I have gained about 15 pounds in a year. Not only has my social life suffered but also I have extremely minimal responsibilities therefore I barely move for a whole 12 hours.

It is an amazing job but just not for me.

My plan of action is to find a job in a social setting once again.

Meanwhile I will go to my gym, reach out to people with similar interests as me in my area. Appreciate the amazing moments I share with my boyfriend and my sister.

Another thing is that I have been extremely irritable. I have not been able to enjoy little or big moments I share with people. I feel unworthy sometimes when I catch myself being so ungrateful.

The breakdown I had this week was very necessary. It may not seem like it but I really didn’t realize the way I was feeling until I got really really down. Being so low really helped me understand why I had been feeling so unsatisfied lately.

It was a big part in being so mad and irritated at things I can change that really blind sighted me. I want to take the time to appreciate all the good and make the best of my situation, I will update with some things I try and what helps and what doesn’t for me.